與阿芒野合 (3)：〈我怕死，也不擅長寫死〉

I’m Scared of Death, and No Good at Writing About It

I’m scared of death
And no good at writing about it
This one thing death taught me, in 2006
A year of costly extravagance

Not once have I learned like I should
So why is it
That death never dies?
Every day is death’s birthday
Up and down we went inside a cake of countless floors
The lift not getting us to eggs in basement
Cream on rooftop
I took off black clothes only to put them on
Lit candles only to blow them out
Threw the dirt I clutched only to bend down and pick it up
Washed my face only to mess it up

What did I learn
In the costly extravagant year of 2006?
Dad who cried for euthanasia night and day
Had us sign the DNR papers
Then betrayed us at the last minute

Dad who could no longer make a sound
On a whiteboard wrote,
“Help doc help!”

That day was death’s birthday
On the plate handed to me a small piece of cake
That I’ve been eating every day for 6 years
Cream and eggs waiting for the digging spoon
And for 6 years I’ve been writing
Unable to write
Happy birthday


〈我怕死，也不擅長寫死〉

我怕死
也不擅長寫死
那是死教會我的一件事，在 2006
昂貴、奢侈的年

我沒有一次學會應該學的
那是為什麼
死永遠不死？
每一天都是死的生日
在數不完樓層的蛋糕裡我們上上下下
電梯帶我們到不了底層的雞蛋
頂層的奶油
我脫下黑衣服一會兒還要穿上
我點燃蠟燭一會兒還要吹熄
我撒出抓緊的泥土一會兒還要彎腰拾取
我洗過的臉一會兒還要弄髒

在 2006，昂貴、奢侈的年
我學會什麼？
日夜叫喊著安樂死的爹
讓我們簽下「放棄急救聲明」
卻在最後一刻背叛我們

發不出聲音的爹
在白板寫：
「醫生救救我！」

那天是死的生日
遞給我的盤子上一小塊蛋糕
6 年來我每天吃它
奶油和雞蛋等著小匙子挖掘
6 年來我一直寫
寫不到
生日快樂